I probably look totally normal to everyone else, but I feel really thick through the middle. Part of that in this picture is that I'd just gotten back from running and guzzled a lot of water and eaten breakfast right before it was taken. All the pants and long-sleeved shirts I bought to accommodate my pre-pregnancy weight gain (long story) still fit okay, but all my summer tops fit my "normal" body which means most of them don't fit this body. But... I'm trying to make do with what I've got for now because I'm going to get a lot bigger before I get any smaller.
I ended up having a fairly good weekend nausea-wise. I was tired and felt kind of gross on Saturday, but I rallied on Sunday and had a great afternoon at the Big 10 track meet. Biking to church + set up + biking home + walking to the track meet + walking to get ice cream + walking home was tiring, but it was such a relief to feel more or less like my normal self.
Right now first thing in the morning, mid-afternoon, and right before I go to bed are the worst times for me nausea and headache-wise, which sounds (and sometimes feels) like all day, but I usually actually feel pretty good around mid-morning and after dinner. I'm down to taking one Zofran first thing in the morning and managing my symptoms with Tylenol and granola bars the rest of the day.
It makes me appreciate how truly awful it must be to have a chronic illness.
On the happy/ exciting side of things, Monday was my first OB appointment. All my labs came back normal with the exception that I'm a little low on iron, and my doc seemed happy about my physical health and habits otherwise. I quit caffeine back in January and- as a side benefit of my nausea and food aversions- gum, diet soda, and other artificial sweeteners are revolting list right now. I'm remarkably vice-free! Now if I could just eat some meat and vegetables...
The highlight of the visit, though, was the first "unofficial" ultrasound to check for viability. Daniel didn't come to this appointment partly because I was going to spend most of it getting a pelvic exam (and I'd like to keep some of the mystery alive) and partly because I was terrified that the sonogram would show bad news and I would be a total disaster. The doctor warned me that not seeing anything at 8 weeks wasn't necessarily bad news, but she *hoped* we'd be able to see a heartbeat to indicate things were going normally.
She started the ultrasound and I laid back and watched the screen. Right side - nothing. Left side - there it was.
The baby is the thing on the left side of the shot that looks a little like a fuzzy seahorse. The white line trailing off from the bottom of it is actually the edge of the amniotic sac. Although you can't tell from this picture, the baby has a head and arms and a torso and a tiny little heart that was beating away.
If I were the kind of person who cried from joy, I would have done it in that moment. All I could do was smile. In that moment, the headaches, the nausea, the tiredness, the worry about childcare and finances after the baby is born, the stress over not traveling for Christmas, the weight gain, the time off of running, the vague excuses for not running or racing, the jealousy in having to celebrating other women's pregnancies, the tears, the disappointment that had followed me every 30 days, it all disappeared. Just for a moment, there was only me and that tiny grey smudge with it's tiny white flickering heart. And I think, I hope, I pray, it's all worth it.